BREATHING ROOM-CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
Introduction: A Different Kind of Space Odyssey or Creating Comfortable Space
- Couples in Space-How to Orbit Around Your Partner
- How to Use This Book
1 Falling in Love with Love
What Intimacy Is and Isn't
- Intimacy?
- Space
- Vulnerability
- Self-Acceptance
- Ingredients for an Intimate Relationship
- What Intimacy Isn't
- Your Intimacy Style
2 How to Be Two Without Losing You
Respecting Differences in Intimate Relationships
- "I not only need time by myself-I need time to be myself."
- It's Hard to Breathe When You're Breathing the Same Air at the Same Time
- Finding Your Voice
- Now You See Me, Now You Don't
- Allowing Space for Needs and Needs for Space
- Can You Be Visible to Yourself?
- From Solo to Duet
- Confusing "I" with "Thou"
3 Go Away a Little Closer
A Need for Closeness and the Fear of It
- "I Need My Space"
- Looking at Space from Every Which Way
- We Live in Two Different Worlds
- Rejection/Intrusion
- Engulfment/ Abandonment
- Demand/ Withdraw
- Pursuer/Distancer
- Approach/ Avoidance
- Overfunctioner/Underfunctioner
4 "Gimme Land, Lots of Land . . ."
What Is Personal Space?
- By Invitation Only
- It's All Relative
- I Am You and You Are Me: Exploring Boundaries
- Privacy
- Quiet Time/Transitional Time-a Time to Recharge
- Children and Space-an Oxymoron?
- Turf
- Misjudging Space
5 Fill 'Er Up
Filling Space
- Horror Vacui-the Fear of Empty Space
6 Reaching the Saturation Point
Anxieties, Fears, Stress, and Illness
- Anxieties
- Worry Takes Up So Much Energy and Space
- Fears
- Stress-Reaching the Saturation Point
- Illness
7 It Feels Like a Tug-of-War
Controlling Space
- Jockeying for Position-Power and Control
- Inflating and Diminishing
- "Don't Dress Me, Change Me, or Try to Control Me!"
8 "I Feel Shut Out When You Shut Down"
Hurt Feelings and Misunderstandings
- "When I Give You More Space, You Think I Don't Love You as Much"
- "I'm Not Nagging, I'm Showing I Care About Us"
- "You Let Me Down"-Dealing with Betrayal
- "I Calibrate Myself to Your Emotions"
9 You Say Tomayto and I Say Tomahto
Style Differences
- Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China
- My Way Is Better Than Your Way
- Cultural Differences Can Be Confusing
- Gender Differences
- Definition vs. Vagueness
- Predictability vs. Unpredictability
- Giving vs. Withholding
- Defensive Independence vs. Neediness
- Are You My Type?
- So We're Different; Now What?
10 Getting Pushed Out of Shape
How Resentments Grow
- Unrealistic Expectations Lead to a Heap of Disappointments
- Relation-slips
- If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
- What Is Clear Communication Anyway?
11 Abracadabra
Fantasies and Wishful Thinking
- Reveries
- Cyberspace
- Long-Distance Relationships
- Long Lost Loves
- Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas
12 I Want to Be and You Want to Flee
Never Getting to "Couple"
- Magical Thinking
- I'm Only Flexible Until I'm Not Flexible Anymore
- The "Dance-Away Lover"
13 Tighten Your Seatbelts-Bumpy Road Ahead
Situational Stressors
- Work Schedules
- Commuting Issues
- Changes in Structured Time and Space
- Those "Outlaw In-Laws"-Relatives and Other Houseguests
- Empty Nest
- Emotional and Physical Illnesses
- Aging Parents
14 The Space to Give and The Space to Receive
Recognizing Needs for Comfortable Space
- Our Need for Feelings
- Our Need for Privacy
- Our Need for Needs
- Giving Yourself the Space to Love Without Conditions
- Giving Yourself the Space to Have an Adventure!
- Giving Yourself the Space to Have Fun
- Making Transitional Space
- Time-outs
- Personal Time-outs
- Time for Yourself
15 My Space, Your Space, Our Space
Closing the Gap in Your Relationship
- Looking at What Works
- No-Fault Assurance
- Maximizing Your Time Together
- Becoming a Couple
